I just wanted a cup of coffee! There I was waiting in line at a popular coffee establishment for the better part of 15 minutes for a freakin’ cup of coffee! Maybe the barista is working off a hangover? Maybe the 4 people ahead of me don’t speak the made up coffee language on the menu and are confused? Perhaps? Perhaps not. Actually, the problem is that these 4 people are not ording coffee! They are ordering strawberries and creme frappaccinos, mocha half caf lattes, double chocolate chip frappachinos with and without whipped creme. What the f— is this? Each one of these drinks take 5 minutes to concoct! Did I hear you say “Suck it up and wait your turn you high-strung pretentious ad guy! Well I’ll have none of that!

We need to get smart, change the rules, FORM TWO LINES!! One line for calorie sponges and one for coffee drinkers. I’m not saying we’re superior, just busier, more fiscally responsible and eager to get on with our day rather than waiting in line!!! By the way, your garden variety Starbucks frappachino has 570 calories, the same as a McDonalds Oreo McFlurry. If that’s not enough to shock you out of sucking down those frothy, sugar infused sloppy coctails, you deserve to wait in your own line.